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Christmas Cards

Shopping for Christmas Cards is something that drives me mad, not the ones in a box that you randomly send to friends and the odd work colleague, but the named ones that you tend to have to go out and buy for family.

I went Christmas Shopping last night, and I have a fairly simple list of cards to get, however could I get them, could I fuck!

I’ve always had trouble with cards for my grandparents. I always called my Dad’s side Gran & Papa and my Mum’s side Nana & Grandad.

I could never get Nana & Grandad cards, it was always Nan & Grandad or Nan & Grandpa or some equivalent, that was until my poor Grandad passed away a few years ago, and now Nana & Grandad is the most popular fucking card in the shop.

I could not get a Gran & Papa card last night, and that was from two different card shops, however the range of cards they did have was quite something.

if I’d been buying a card for “my teachers assistant”, that would have been no problem.

if my partner was deceased, yes that’s right, I could have bought a card for my DEAD partner at Christmas, that’s right, I can’t think of anyone who would want to send dead people Christmas Cards, it shows how sick some of these companies are just trying to make money from people.

I could also have bought a card for my pet dog, however sadly he’s dead, and they didn’t have to my dead pet
dog at Christmas!

I could also buy a card for my “Brother and his Boyfriend”, however fortunately my brother isn’t a shirt lifter, although rather fucking annoyingly they had more “to my brother and his faggot lover” cards, than they did the simple more conventional “Auntie & Uncle” or “Brother & His Girlfriend” cards.

So I ended up spending the best part of £20 on cards, and I still haven’t got them all. Next year I think I’ll just print a photo of my wee girl with a Santa costume on and the words Merry Christmas on the front!

Ba Humbug!

TVCatchup for iPhone

Just thought I had to share a website I discovered today … it’s brilliant.

TVCatchUp.com is a website currently in Beta that streams live TV over the internet, nothing new there right?! However, the best thing about this website, is that you can stream to your iPhone directly over WIFI or 3G.

There are a number of channels available (mainly the terrestrial freeview channels), but it now means that you have a good variety of TV channels on the go.

TVCatchup iPhone

Make your way over to iphone.tvcatchup.com from your iPhone and get watching those episodes of Neighbours on the train home from work.

Am I The Only Person With No Sympathy For Gary McKinnon

I will probably get slated for this, but am I the only person with no sympathy for Gary McKinnon?!

For those of you, who like me, don’t read the news, Gary McKinnon is a Scottish hacker facing extradition to the United States on charges of perpetrating the biggest military computer hack of all time.

McKinnon was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in August 2008, and it is said that he is suicidal and would not survive a U.S. prison incarceration. A psychiatrist has said that suicide is now an “almost certain inevitability”.

Two things, I have someone in my family who suffers from Asperger’s, so I am not insensitive to the condition.

I also work in IT, and I’m telling you now that I could not hack into a computer to save my life, my point being he is clearly a very intelligent man if he was capable of doing that.

The thing that gets me though, is that I know for a fact that if I did wrong, and I faced a jail sentence anywhere, doesn’t matter if it was in the UK or US, I would not be able to cope with being imprisoned, and as a result, I would probably resort to suicide too.

However if I did something wrong, would I get off with it, or be looked at more leniantly, probably not.

There can’t be many people who want to go to prison, and that is why we obey the law.

So I’m sorry if I sound unsympathetic or lacking compassion, and I believe there are far more serious criminals and threats to society in the world who should be being dealt with than Gary McKinnon, but I just don’t have a whole lot of sympathy.

Feel free to leave your comments …

Overdraft Charges, Tough Shit

I don’t know what all the fuss is about this, I make an effort every month not to go into my overdraft. I couldn’t actually tell you if I get charged for it or not if I dip into it.

My point is, it’s an overdraft … I should be able to manage my finances well enough that I don’t go below zero. If I do go below zero, I should be penalised.

The exception to this is if it’s an error that isn’t my fault, for example my salary is late into my account, or a credit cars takes the full amount rather than a set value. If that happened, I wouldn’t expect to be penalised.

Banks are a business, yes they may charge a disproportionate fee, but that’s how they make money.

I shouldn’t have to pay sixty fucking pence for a packet of Maltesers from my work vending machine, but that’s what they cost. It’s a business … people are out to make money.

I bet most of the people who dip into their overdraft and are complaining generally live outside of their means … it’s simple, buy one less takeaway a week, don’t go to the pub this weekend, don’t buy that videogame etc …

Next …

I’ve Quit The Twit

Friends and Followers – I’ve Quit The Twit !!!

I doubt that this news will have quit the same backlash as when @stephenfry threatened to do it, but I’ve finally give up the Twiggarettes.

I posted a blog a long time ago about how addictive and time consuming Twitter can be, and I’ve decided the only way I can stop that, is by not doing it at all, so after weaning myself off it for a bit, I’ve bitten the bullet and quit.

I’ve recently started writing (and podcasting) for a football website, and that has been a long term ambition of mine. Now that I am finally doing this, that is where most of my free time will go.

All Farewells Should Be Sudden

I’m still going to blog (occasionally), and maybe do the odd podcast, and I’m also planning something for next years World Cup, so watch this space.

I will miss your Tweets, however at the same time it will be nice watching a TV Show or Film without having my iPhone attached to my hand or my balls getting fried by my laptop Tweeting random (and sometimes quite literally) shit.

Not to mention the 30 emails a day from @britneysuckscock has requested to follow you on Twitter, or the pointless Mafia Family DM’s won’t be missed at all.

I’d like to thank everyone who followed me, and also those who very kindly sponsored me for my Great Run’s this year.

See you all around …

Time for Video Technology in Football

Ireland cruely missed out on a place in the 2010 FIFA World Cup after a handball by French cheat Thierry Henry kept the ball in play and allowed him to assist William Gallas, for the equalising goal.

The conspiracy theorists will suggest that the result was never in doubt, as Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini wanted the bigger teams to qualify for South Africa, and now they’ve got their way.

There have been a number of decisions lately in football where fouls should have been given in the box, or goals should have been disallowed, but none quite as high profile as this.

A World Cup only comes around once every four years, for many of the Ireland squad, they might not be around to participate in an other one, so to be denied by what is essentially cheating, it’s a hard one to take.

Is now the time for video replays in football, in the time it took for the Irish to protest, led by Shay Given, a fourth official could easily have watched the replay and given the foul against Henry.

If teams were restricted to three “challenges” or uses of a video replay a game, it would not slow the game down, and would even add a tactical element of when managers choose to use it, like in American Football.

What do you think?!

This kid does not like Modern Warfare 2

Check out this video review of Modern Warfare 2. Some people get a little bit too worked up about these things.

I feel the same about the sad decline of the Pro Evo games. I’ve just never aired it this publically.

Leave a comment with your views on this and feel free to discuss whether or not he should ever be allowed to procreate.

Belle de Jour blogger revealed

So after a couple of TV series of wanking over Billie Piper, the Belle de Jour blogger has revealed herself to be not quite as fit as old Ginger Baw’s himself (Chris Evans) ex.

Belle de Jour

According to this article on The Guardian, Belle de jour is infact Dr Brooke Magnanti, a research scientist with a PhD in forensic science.

So the question is, now that you are able to put a face to the name, would the books and stories still be worth having a tug over?

Sky Mobile TV iPhone App Review

Following on from the release of the excellent Sky Player on the Xbox 360, last week saw the release of the Sky Mobile TV application for the iPhone. After trying it out over the last few days, here is my review.

Sky Mobile TV offers iPhone users the following channels : Sky Sports 1, 2 and 3, Sky Sports Xtra, Sky Sports News, Sky News, At The Races and ESPN. This means that you will be able to watch every televised Barclays Premier League, Clydesdale Bank Scottish Premier League and Coca Cola Football League matches, in addition to a host of other sports broadcast on these channels.

Read the rest of this entry »

Modern Warfare 2 : Forsaken Women

This is an open letter to Hannah Betts, a journalist for The Telegraph who wrote this article about relationships and women worldwide being neglected because of the game Modern Warfare 2.

Hannah,

Let me make things very very simple for you, hopefully you will understand, and you might even learn something about the opposite sex. I may generalise slightly below, but given that you did in your article, I feel that I have the right to.

Men are very simplistic creatures, we have had the same hobbies and interests since we were little boys. We’re almost like Gremlins, and if you obey the simple rules, we are fairly easy to maintain and keep happy.

Everything that we do now, we did ten, twenty, maybe even thirty years ago when we were growing up. Men have always watched and participated in sport, as our bodies get older we may play less, and watch more, or take up alternative less energetic sports such as golf, but we always have and always will like sport (unless of course we are gay. but then that doesn’t apply, as your article is specifically directed at men who are in relationships with women).

Men also like war films, and films with car chases, guns, women, typically lots of women, preferably naked (unless of course we are gay), in fact some of us even check the back of a Bluray (yes, we’re onto Bluray now, not DVD) to see if a film contains strong language, and frequent (sometimes) violent sex, in particular anal.

Men also like videogames, we have done since we got our Super Nintendo’s from Santa, right up to when we were old enough to buy our first Playstation, and now that we are grown ups with monotonous careers, we can afford to buy the latest and greatest consoles, and we will continue to do so. Yes we probably only bought the Wii in a vain attempt to get you interested, or help lose your fat arse on the Wii Fit, and we’ve probably tried to move it through to the backroom so that it doesn’t hog our big shiny LCD TV in the Living Room, but to cut a long story boring, we love games. We can play them on our own, we can play them with our friends, and with the invention of online gaming, we can play them against complete strangers in another part of the world.

From adolescence, and all through most of our erectile functioning lives, men also like porn. You might not know it, or realise it, but you can guarantee it, that as soon as you’ve gone to bed, or went out for an evening with your friends, if we’re not watching one of the aforementioned films, or playing / watching sport, or playing one of our videogames, then we are probably making sweet love to Pam and her Five Sisters.

We also love our gadgets, and yes most of us would probably rather cut our cock off (for all we get to use it) than give up our iPhone. In fact iPhones have lead to a whole new Female Phenomenon known as iMoaning. Yes this is when you roll your eyes, or moan everytime we pick up our beloved little device. You see, the thing is that with the iPhone, we can do all of the above. We can play sports, watch sports, watch films, play games and yes, we can even watch high quality hardcore porn on our iPhones, without you even knowing.

So that’s the things that we like, we also like eating, sleeping, sex (as an activity, not a reward), burping and farting (we do not like it when you do either of the latter two).

There are a number of things that we don’t like, and yet you seem to require us to do them to add some meaning and fulfilment to our relationships.

We don’t like watching Friends, Will & Grace (fagcoms make us sick), Sex and the City, or any of that other shite that you have on DVD, that you still insist on watching on E4 at any given opportunity. We can’t stand Big Brother, I’m A Celebrity, Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing on Ice and we’ll only watch X-Factor if there is a Diana Vickers type that we can perv over on it. I’ve not even mentioned Eastenders, Coronation Street, America’s Next Top Model and Hollyoaks (which gets an exception as we are usually eating, and like looking at the girls in it). All in all though, if you add all that television up, that’s about a good 20+ hours worth of television right there. That’s 20+ that you need us to be sitting next to you, not really allowed to talk, because it’s really vital that you hear what Jordan has to say about her splitting up with Peter Andre.

We don’t like going shopping, you have enough handbags, shoes, dresses and underwear (we could live with shopping for stockings and suspenders, but you never wear them anyway, they’re uncomfy), so it’s pointless dragging us along on these trips. We’d much prefer it if you would leave us in HMV, or Gamestation, PC World, or if we’re in a really civilised town, the Apple Store.

We don’t like it when you deliberately arrange things when the big match is on, we know fine well that you know that Tuesday / Wednesday is Champions League night, and we’ve been looking forward to that Sunday lunchtime game for weeks, so why have you arranged to go and visit your mother!?

We don’t like going to Christening’s, your friends Wedding’s, and our idea of a perfect Sunday afternoon is not going to B&Q to look at a new bathroom suite, or a trip to Ikea to buy a whole new range of bedroom furniture, we won’t get a say in anything, and we’ll just argue when we’re there, so you might as well just go and do it yourself anyway (this would be efficient, as it would allow us to do some of those things we like).

We don’t intentionally not empty the dishwasher, or put the washing away, or hoover the house. We just don’t have that hawkeye attention to detail that women have, in the same way that you can’t park a car, or write your name in the snow when you pee. Speaking of which, that’s another thing we love doing, we like to scratch or hold our genitals, it’s not sexual, it’s not an infection, it just comforts us.

Fundamentally, what it comes down to in my opinion, and I’m not a psychologist, so I may be miles off the mark, is that it doesn’t matter what a man does, whether it’s playing his videogames, watching sport, playing on the iPhone. Women like you Hannah, just despise the fact that we men can have something else in our lives, that grabs our attention more than you. To my mind, that indicates a deep underlying problem with the woman, not the man.

The bottom line is, that you cannot change us, we will always like the things we like, and it doesn’t matter if you break up with us, the next guy you end up with will like some or all of the things that we did (unless of course he’s gay).

What we need to do is compromise, we won’t moan about your 20+ hours of trash television, shopping, social engagements etc, if you don’t mind us having a couple of games of football a week, a round of golf and an hour on the videogames each night.

We’ll even buy you a copy of Singstar Take That, and who knows … you might even enjoy it.

Now I’m off to play Modern Warfare 2 …

I would encourage you to leave your comments on this blog, this took quite a bit of writing, and I’d love to see your responses, both men and women (oh and gays).